“Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.” -Dorothy Parker, 1921
Dorothy Parker was one of the sharpest observers of the 20th Century. She was a woman of wit and charm and grace. And its a good thing she’s dead because that broad wouldn’t have gotten me at all. Glasses are awesome! They make you look you know a lot about indie music and epistemology, and if there’s one thing I think is sexy it’s a professional epistemologist who knows about Ellis Paul.
“Sir, if you can’t afford the YoCrunch, you’re going to have to leave. Stop crying.” -that dick Pakistani guy who runs the deli by my apartment, 2008
I’m broke. I made the fool fucking decision to get a useless major at a school run by railroad tycoons from the 1800s, and now I owe the bank 100,000 dollars. My one semi-marketable skill is being funny, and so far the only money I’ve made off that was stapling Brave Aunt Beth business cards to the dime bags I sell to make rent. But not to worry, because my problems will be over after one date with famous glasses-wearer Tina Fey.
Tina Fey is the zeitgeist-defining comedy writer behind 30 Rock, Mean Girls, and the soon-to-be-released film Baby Mama, which is probably gonna be funnier for guys than it looks. She honed her craft at Second City and won respect on SNL. I don’t really feel like doing either of those things, so I’m going to use my powers of seduction to start dating her and manipulate my way onto the writing staff of her show.
Now I know what you’re thinking, “Grant, Tina Fey is married and has a kid.” “Grant, Tina Fey’s a comedy professional who, even if she were to leave her husband and start dating you would not be inclined to just put you on her staff without proper credentials.” “Grant, Tina Fey knows how to use Google. Aren’t you at least marginally concerned that she might run across this blog, ruining your chances of one day working with her legitimately?.” All of you need to understand something: Chicks with glasses love me. I mean, they eat my shit UP! I’m non-threatening, and glasses-girl is still all messed up from when Steve Fletcher wouldn’t take her to prom, and then she went to cry in the scene shop of their high school auditorium, and when she got there Bobby Moinahan, the head of the Lighting Crew for the spring production of South Pacific, was testing a dry ice effect with his friends, and to make herself feel better she asked him to the prom, and at first it looked like he was going to say yes, but then he looked at his friends, and one of them made little circles around his eyes with his fingers indicating her glasses and shook his head, and Bobby said he wished he could, but Megan McDouglas asked him first, even though Megan told glasses-girl that she couldn’t go to prom at all because it was the weekend her older brother was leaving for basic training. It’s a story as old as time. And it leaves ‘good looking in that best friend kind of way’ girls vulnerable to flattery and deceit. (Like I said, I’m non-threatening.)
So, the question then becomes How to get the date? Well, one of my patented 3-step processes (patent pending), I’m all set.
Step 1: Find out Where She Works– Yes, I know it’s at NBC, but I need to get, like, an address. These big corporations can be pretty secretive, and I’m sure GE is no exception. I’ll have to get a building number, and I’m pretty forgetful, so it would be great if it could be in some easy to remember abbreviation.
Step 2: Come Up with a Joke– These big time comedy people are all really hard to impress. If I want her to notice me, It’s going to have to be something great. I’m thinking “Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!” See, that’s a play on an already popular joke. It shows I know comedy and can be satirical. It’s totally original too. I wrote that, and anyone who says different should take a look at who’s website they’re on. You came to me mother fuckers, not the other way around. I’m the comedian here.
Step 3: Get Contacts– I mean, I don’t want to look like a freak when I meet her, right?
There it is, my date with Tina Fey/meal ticket. I can’t wait, either. Once I’m with her, I can finally stop making web videos with idiots.