How I’m going to get a date with____#2

April 22nd, 2008

“Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.” -Dorothy Parker, 1921

Dorothy Parker was one of the sharpest observers of the 20th Century.  She was a woman of wit and charm and grace.  And its a good thing she’s dead because that broad wouldn’t have gotten me at all.  Glasses are awesome!  They make you look you know a lot about indie music and epistemology, and if there’s one thing I think is sexy it’s a professional epistemologist who knows about Ellis Paul. 

“Sir, if you can’t afford the YoCrunch, you’re going to have to leave.  Stop crying.” -that dick Pakistani guy who runs the deli by my apartment, 2008

I’m broke.  I made the fool fucking decision to get a useless major at a school run by railroad tycoons from the 1800s, and now I owe the bank 100,000 dollars.  My one semi-marketable skill is being funny, and so far the only money I’ve made off that was stapling Brave Aunt Beth business cards to the dime bags I sell to make rent.  But not to worry, because my problems will be over after one date with famous glasses-wearer Tina Fey.

Tina Fey is the zeitgeist-defining comedy writer behind 30 Rock, Mean Girls, and the soon-to-be-released film Baby Mama, which is probably gonna be funnier for guys than it looks.  She honed her craft at Second City and won respect on SNL.  I don’t really feel like doing either of those things, so I’m going to use my powers of seduction to start dating her and manipulate my way onto the writing staff of her show. 

Now I know what you’re thinking, “Grant, Tina Fey is married and has a kid.”  “Grant, Tina Fey’s a comedy professional who, even if she were to leave her husband and start dating you would not be inclined to just put you on her staff without proper credentials.”  “Grant, Tina Fey knows how to use Google.  Aren’t you at least marginally concerned that she might run across this blog, ruining your chances of one day working with her legitimately?.”  All of you need to understand something:  Chicks with glasses love me.  I mean, they eat my shit UP!  I’m non-threatening, and glasses-girl is still all messed up from when Steve Fletcher wouldn’t take her to prom, and then she went to cry in the scene shop of their high school auditorium, and when she got there Bobby Moinahan, the head of the Lighting Crew for the spring production of South Pacific, was testing a dry ice effect with his friends, and to make herself feel better she asked him to the prom, and at first it looked like he was going to say yes, but then he looked at his friends, and one of them made little circles around his eyes with his fingers indicating her glasses and shook his head, and Bobby said he wished he could, but Megan McDouglas asked him first, even though Megan told glasses-girl that she couldn’t go to prom at all because it was the weekend her older brother was leaving for basic training.  It’s a story as old as time.  And it leaves ‘good looking in that best friend kind of way’ girls vulnerable to flattery and deceit. (Like I said, I’m non-threatening.)

So, the question then becomes How to get the date?  Well, one of my patented 3-step processes (patent pending), I’m all set.

Step 1: Find out Where She Works– Yes, I know it’s at NBC, but I need to get, like, an address.  These big corporations can be pretty secretive, and I’m sure GE is no exception.  I’ll have to get a building number, and I’m pretty forgetful, so it would be great if it could be in some easy to remember abbreviation.

Step 2: Come Up with a Joke– These big time comedy people are all really hard to impress.  If I want her to notice me, It’s going to have to be something great.  I’m thinking “Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!”  See, that’s a play on an already popular joke.  It shows I  know comedy and can be satirical.  It’s totally original too.  I wrote that, and anyone who says different should take a look at who’s website they’re on.  You came to me mother fuckers, not the other way around.  I’m the comedian here.

Step 3: Get Contacts– I mean, I don’t want to look like a freak when I meet her, right?

There it is, my date with Tina Fey/meal ticket.  I can’t wait, either.  Once I’m with her, I can finally stop making web videos with idiots. 

How I’m going to get a date with____ #1

March 28th, 2008

Listen up ladies, I’m going to let you in on a secret about men.  We’re terrified of you.  Well, no.   Maybe not all men.  But certainly overgrown man-children like myself.  Men who make up for the fact that they had horrible acne in high school with an overdeveloped sense of irony are terrified of women.  I don’t know what it is that’s so intimidating.  Maybe it’s your smooth, milky skin, or your quirky smiles, or your eyes the color of fresh Bartlet pears.  All I know is that for me, and most of the decent, god-fearing men I know, picking up a women in a bar is on the same level as putting a needle right underneath our thumbnail.  (By the way, if you’re one of those guys who has no trouble walking up to a women in a bar and getting her to go home with you, you can go fuck yourself.  You and your perfect skin have never known real suffering.)

 Fortunately, guys like me have a powerful tool we can rely on: careful planning.  See, getting a date with (or a blow job from) a woman, like anything worthwhile, takes forethought.  You need a list of possible conversation topics, some way of figuring out if she’s gonna be at Ted’s party this Friday night, and at least two different brands of cigarettes you can offer her as a way of getting her away from her friends.  Now I know what you’re thinking, “Grant, this is really pathetic and creepy.”  “Grant, this is starting to sound a little like stalking.”  “Grant, its weird that you have 3 facebook accounts under different names.”  Well you and you’re perfect skin can go fuck yourselves, this is all I have.

As an ongoing series in my blog, I’m going to keep you updated on my plans to date various women.  Tonight, Ellen Page.  Ellen (I call her Ellen) played the title role in 2007’s sleeper hit Juno, and has starred in several other films, including Hard Candy and X3: The Last Stand, to name a few.  (I actually didn’t see x3, but she played Kitty Pride, a name that I’m told isn’t meant to be funny.)  She’s talented, she’s smart, and she can rock a pair of Chuck Taylors, which is always fine by me.

 My plan for getting a date:

Step 1: Get nominated for an Oscar.–  She was pretty good in Juno, even if the dialogue did sound like it was written in a text message, so she’s probably gonna get another oscar worthy part.  Assuming she delivers (and I’m gonna give her the benefit of the doubt because she has big eyes the color of Bartlett pears) she’ll get nominated again.  That puts us in the same room at the same time.  Now that I think about it, I guess that means I’ll have to get nominated for an Oscar every year, but how hard could that be?

Step 2: Learn more about Canada.-  Ellen’s from Canada, and so presumably will want to discuss only that.  So far, all I know about our neighbors to the north is that they have national health care and, as far as I can tell, ALL of them are white.

Step 3: Rock some Chuck Taylors.-  I mean, that shit’s just timeless.

 There you have it, a foolproof plan for dating Ellen Page.  Fortunately, PT Anderson has me as the lead in his new Lee Harvey Oswald biopic, Lone Gunman, so I think I’ll be set for step one. 

A More Perfect Joke

March 25th, 2008

“I am the son of a black man from Kenya and a white woman from Kansas. I was raised with the help of a white grandfather who survived a Depression to serve in Patton’s Army World War II and a white grandmother who worked on a bomber assembly line at Fort Leavenworth while he was overseas. I’ve gone to some of the best schools in America and lived in one of the world’s poorest nations. I am married to a black American who carries within her the blood of slaves and slaveowners- an inheritance we pass on to our two precious daughters. I have brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, uncles and cousins, of every race and every hue, scattered across three continents, and for as long as I live, I will never forget that in no other country on Earth is my story even possible.

It’s a story that hasn’t made me the most conventional candidate. But it is a story that has seared into my genetic makeup the idea that this nation is more than the sum of its parts- that out of many we are truly one…..IN BED!!!”

slammed.

Hello Reader,

March 24th, 2008

I’m so glad you’ve decided to visit my online notebook.  I want this to be fun for both of us, so I’ve decided to use this “Blog” as an informal place where I can “Write” some ideas I’m working on.  Things I hope will one day soon be sketches.  For example, the bun I have in the oven right now is about two twenty-something guys looking for a cheap apartment in the city.  The only thing they find in their price range is in a women’s only building, so these bosom buddies will have to pretend to be women.  They’re sure to get into all sorts of wacky mishaps along the way.  This is what my first idea looks like when I imagine it...Next week, I’ll tell the story of two lady friends who get a job at a chocolate factory.  But watch out girls, those chocolates will be coming pretty quickly!  Yes, this journal will be a great time for us all.  Thanks for checking in, and be sure to stop back soon for more original ideas from the “Mind” of Grant O’Brien.