Archive for March, 2008

How I’m going to get a date with____ #1

Friday, March 28th, 2008

Listen up ladies, I’m going to let you in on a secret about men.  We’re terrified of you.  Well, no.   Maybe not all men.  But certainly overgrown man-children like myself.  Men who make up for the fact that they had horrible acne in high school with an overdeveloped sense of irony are terrified of women.  I don’t know what it is that’s so intimidating.  Maybe it’s your smooth, milky skin, or your quirky smiles, or your eyes the color of fresh Bartlet pears.  All I know is that for me, and most of the decent, god-fearing men I know, picking up a women in a bar is on the same level as putting a needle right underneath our thumbnail.  (By the way, if you’re one of those guys who has no trouble walking up to a women in a bar and getting her to go home with you, you can go fuck yourself.  You and your perfect skin have never known real suffering.)

 Fortunately, guys like me have a powerful tool we can rely on: careful planning.  See, getting a date with (or a blow job from) a woman, like anything worthwhile, takes forethought.  You need a list of possible conversation topics, some way of figuring out if she’s gonna be at Ted’s party this Friday night, and at least two different brands of cigarettes you can offer her as a way of getting her away from her friends.  Now I know what you’re thinking, “Grant, this is really pathetic and creepy.”  “Grant, this is starting to sound a little like stalking.”  “Grant, its weird that you have 3 facebook accounts under different names.”  Well you and you’re perfect skin can go fuck yourselves, this is all I have.

As an ongoing series in my blog, I’m going to keep you updated on my plans to date various women.  Tonight, Ellen Page.  Ellen (I call her Ellen) played the title role in 2007’s sleeper hit Juno, and has starred in several other films, including Hard Candy and X3: The Last Stand, to name a few.  (I actually didn’t see x3, but she played Kitty Pride, a name that I’m told isn’t meant to be funny.)  She’s talented, she’s smart, and she can rock a pair of Chuck Taylors, which is always fine by me.

 My plan for getting a date:

Step 1: Get nominated for an Oscar.–  She was pretty good in Juno, even if the dialogue did sound like it was written in a text message, so she’s probably gonna get another oscar worthy part.  Assuming she delivers (and I’m gonna give her the benefit of the doubt because she has big eyes the color of Bartlett pears) she’ll get nominated again.  That puts us in the same room at the same time.  Now that I think about it, I guess that means I’ll have to get nominated for an Oscar every year, but how hard could that be?

Step 2: Learn more about Canada.-  Ellen’s from Canada, and so presumably will want to discuss only that.  So far, all I know about our neighbors to the north is that they have national health care and, as far as I can tell, ALL of them are white.

Step 3: Rock some Chuck Taylors.-  I mean, that shit’s just timeless.

 There you have it, a foolproof plan for dating Ellen Page.  Fortunately, PT Anderson has me as the lead in his new Lee Harvey Oswald biopic, Lone Gunman, so I think I’ll be set for step one. 

A More Perfect Joke

Tuesday, March 25th, 2008

“I am the son of a black man from Kenya and a white woman from Kansas. I was raised with the help of a white grandfather who survived a Depression to serve in Patton’s Army World War II and a white grandmother who worked on a bomber assembly line at Fort Leavenworth while he was overseas. I’ve gone to some of the best schools in America and lived in one of the world’s poorest nations. I am married to a black American who carries within her the blood of slaves and slaveowners- an inheritance we pass on to our two precious daughters. I have brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, uncles and cousins, of every race and every hue, scattered across three continents, and for as long as I live, I will never forget that in no other country on Earth is my story even possible.

It’s a story that hasn’t made me the most conventional candidate. But it is a story that has seared into my genetic makeup the idea that this nation is more than the sum of its parts- that out of many we are truly one…..IN BED!!!”

slammed.

Hello Reader,

Monday, March 24th, 2008

I’m so glad you’ve decided to visit my online notebook.  I want this to be fun for both of us, so I’ve decided to use this “Blog” as an informal place where I can “Write” some ideas I’m working on.  Things I hope will one day soon be sketches.  For example, the bun I have in the oven right now is about two twenty-something guys looking for a cheap apartment in the city.  The only thing they find in their price range is in a women’s only building, so these bosom buddies will have to pretend to be women.  They’re sure to get into all sorts of wacky mishaps along the way.  This is what my first idea looks like when I imagine it...Next week, I’ll tell the story of two lady friends who get a job at a chocolate factory.  But watch out girls, those chocolates will be coming pretty quickly!  Yes, this journal will be a great time for us all.  Thanks for checking in, and be sure to stop back soon for more original ideas from the “Mind” of Grant O’Brien.