How I’m going to get a date with____ #1

Listen up ladies, I’m going to let you in on a secret about men.  We’re terrified of you.  Well, no.   Maybe not all men.  But certainly overgrown man-children like myself.  Men who make up for the fact that they had horrible acne in high school with an overdeveloped sense of irony are terrified of women.  I don’t know what it is that’s so intimidating.  Maybe it’s your smooth, milky skin, or your quirky smiles, or your eyes the color of fresh Bartlet pears.  All I know is that for me, and most of the decent, god-fearing men I know, picking up a women in a bar is on the same level as putting a needle right underneath our thumbnail.  (By the way, if you’re one of those guys who has no trouble walking up to a women in a bar and getting her to go home with you, you can go fuck yourself.  You and your perfect skin have never known real suffering.)

 Fortunately, guys like me have a powerful tool we can rely on: careful planning.  See, getting a date with (or a blow job from) a woman, like anything worthwhile, takes forethought.  You need a list of possible conversation topics, some way of figuring out if she’s gonna be at Ted’s party this Friday night, and at least two different brands of cigarettes you can offer her as a way of getting her away from her friends.  Now I know what you’re thinking, “Grant, this is really pathetic and creepy.”  “Grant, this is starting to sound a little like stalking.”  “Grant, its weird that you have 3 facebook accounts under different names.”  Well you and you’re perfect skin can go fuck yourselves, this is all I have.

As an ongoing series in my blog, I’m going to keep you updated on my plans to date various women.  Tonight, Ellen Page.  Ellen (I call her Ellen) played the title role in 2007’s sleeper hit Juno, and has starred in several other films, including Hard Candy and X3: The Last Stand, to name a few.  (I actually didn’t see x3, but she played Kitty Pride, a name that I’m told isn’t meant to be funny.)  She’s talented, she’s smart, and she can rock a pair of Chuck Taylors, which is always fine by me.

 My plan for getting a date:

Step 1: Get nominated for an Oscar.–  She was pretty good in Juno, even if the dialogue did sound like it was written in a text message, so she’s probably gonna get another oscar worthy part.  Assuming she delivers (and I’m gonna give her the benefit of the doubt because she has big eyes the color of Bartlett pears) she’ll get nominated again.  That puts us in the same room at the same time.  Now that I think about it, I guess that means I’ll have to get nominated for an Oscar every year, but how hard could that be?

Step 2: Learn more about Canada.-  Ellen’s from Canada, and so presumably will want to discuss only that.  So far, all I know about our neighbors to the north is that they have national health care and, as far as I can tell, ALL of them are white.

Step 3: Rock some Chuck Taylors.-  I mean, that shit’s just timeless.

 There you have it, a foolproof plan for dating Ellen Page.  Fortunately, PT Anderson has me as the lead in his new Lee Harvey Oswald biopic, Lone Gunman, so I think I’ll be set for step one. 

3 Responses to “How I’m going to get a date with____ #1”

  1. Ellen says:

    Here is some advise to all those poor little boys with the bad acne and summer job at the zoo (something they really enjoyed) you know the types of guys who go to maine for marine-biology camp and whos rooms were fire engine red all their lives and were SUPER pissed when mom painted it and moved the mirror and who watched pro wrestling because it was honestly their dream job (and probably still is). talk to your 17 year old sister she’ll help you get a date, bring up your sex life (and maybe mention your parents) in every conversation thats How you are going to get a date with ____#1

  2. Emily says:

    OMG grant – hilarious

  3. Pehmer says:

    Great One…

    I must say, its worth it! My link,,thanks haha…

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