Posts Tagged ‘Triathalons’

A responce to Grant’s “How I’m going to get a date w/… #1”

Tuesday, April 8th, 2008

Grant “Surf’s Up Ladies”So recently Grant O’brian, or as I prefer to call him my tall glass of water, told the world of his woman woes and blah, blah, blah. Because really woe is he who attended a university in which the female to male ratio is 63 to 1. NYU should be called Vagina. Especially Tisch, and then you have to factor in the gays so that leaves about 9 straight men and I’ve already got 3 1/2 in my comedy group so I’m really SOL, because I don’t mix work and play. Except for when Kyle and I had that strictly sexual relationship before the name thing got weird. Then I left him for a two year relationship with Pete, which ended when he discovered me in bed with Nick which had been going on for like ever and they were both crying because I had two-timed them and they were all like, “Ahh, we are so in love with you because you’re like a goddess and we’re mere mortals” or whatever, and then I had sex with Grant last night, but that’s all in the past an completely irrelevant. And anyways the rest of the other straight dudes are half way to gay, or prettier than me.So back to the NYU’s urban community of 25,000 horny white girls ready to pounce on the first sensitive, moderately attractive man drunk enough to bed her. So really Grant doesn’t need a “plan”, just stronger liquor. I mean that’s how I got Pete, and now look, we make clean, un-awkward comedy together… sort of. And you know it’s ok to be out of the game for awhile, because it gives one a chance to work on business or spring cleaning or Migs and I started this puzzle that’s a picture of all these dogs and we aren’t nearly done, and then you’re not bothered by the really annoying caress of a strong beautiful man, or the feeling of love from another…uh, uh, can we just say o-ver-ated! It’s great you know like your lying in the warm sun, in like an arid dessert, and then vultures start circling your simmering body because you can die from celibacy and there’s nothing for miles, not even a mirage because that’s for dreamers, and all you can hear is the Beyonce’s song, “Me, Myself, and I” on repeat for what feels like a eternity.But enough about that, back to Grant and his plan to tap Ellen Page. While on the surface this may seem like a good choice (Oscar nominated actress and Chuck Taylor’s), but it has been speculated, by like everyone in the world that Ms. Page is a lesbian. Now I don’t like to jump to conclusions but let’s just say she is for sure into chicks. Then I think it’s safe to say that Grant is barking up the wrong bush. Even though the thought of Grant dressing up like a girl to become Ellen Page’s lesbian lover makes me giggle. I’m not laughing at lesbians, more like I’m laughing with them, you know because I’m all in support of women who like other women sexually. I mean I did attend NYU Tisch school of the Vagina so I’m definitely all about female empowerment, I mean look I’m a girl, go me. And as far as the feminist stuff goes, a big yes from me to that, like women shouldn’t be barefoot and pregnant, they just you know shouldn’t speak unless spoken to.