What if I ruled the world?
It’s a question I get a lot. Whether I’m exercising at one of my many local gyms or simply out on the streets paying homeless people to perform Euripides’ Trojan Women, people want to know what I’d be like as their Lord and Master. Lucky for me, I’ve had to answer the question so many times that I’ve actually perfected my answer well beyond the normal level of question answering.
Q: Hey, Pete.
P: Do you wanna ask me something?
P: Do you have a question?
Q: Oh, yeah. Right. Sorry.
P: It’s okay. Just read from the card.
Q: “What would the world be like if you were to run it?”
P: I’m glad you asked.
Q: Jesus, this is a grammatical nightmare.
P: Yes, well. If I were to run the world-
Q: Like a two year old wrote it.
P: Are you done?
Q: I mean, I’m sorry, but this is-
P: Are you done?
Q: Hey, easy. You asked me to do this, remember? I’m doin’ you a favor.
P: Yeah, thanks. And you’re almost sober. Great work.
Q: So you’re gonna throw that at me now?
P: Jesus, here we go.
Q: Oh no, go on. Anything else you wanna whine about? C’mon. Please, let’s do this while my ears are still adjusted to your high-pitched bitching.
P: You had one simple job to do. Simple!
Q: Oh did I screw up your card? Your beautifully written card? My apologies, Shakespeare. “What would the card sound like if you were to read it?”
P: That’s real mature, Dad.
Q: Don’t call me that.
P: The only reason you’re here is because I promised Mom-
Q: That witch!
P: I promised Mom I’d get you out of the house. Why else?! Why else would I do this to myself?!
Q: You keep that up, boy, and I’m gonna teach you some common courtesy.
P: Oh, wonderful. What was that? Five minutes? Five minutes in the same room, you fuck up my card and threaten to beat me. Well, let’s just sing Happy Birthday and make this like every other childhood memory, shall we?
Q: What else did your mother say?
P: She didn’t say anything.
Q: Don’t protect her!
P: She just wanted some quiet time.
Q: It’s her and that neighbor again, isn’t it?! That little shit. I’ve seen ’em makin’ eyes. I seen ’em!
P: Dad, he’s eight years old.
Q: Thinks he’s such a Casanova. Wait til he sees what I did to his Power Wheels. Then, we’ll see who’s laughing. He’s goin’ nowhere!
P: You’re a child. You’re a child, and your sweat smells like vodka. Are you proud of yourself? Was this your goal in life?
Q: I had lots of goals. Once. Then life took it’s turns. Like in that movie. “Big Fish.”
P: Dad, I’m in the middle of a blog.
Q: Yeah, I’ll middle your blog if you don’t watch your mouth.
P: Yeah, that’s great, Dad. Why don’t you wait downstairs? There’s some shade you can sit in.
Q: Oh. I see. You think you can beat up your old man now, is that it?
P: Where the hell does that come from?
Q: Alright, c’mon. You think you can do it, let’s see. C’mon. Your best shot. Right here. Right on the chin. But! But you look me in the eye when you do it. Understand? You give me that much.
P: I’m not gonna hit you, Dad.
Q: Cause you can’t! One karate class! That’s all I asked! Just one! But no! You had to go and do your dancing! Well, what now, Ballet Boy, huh? How’re you gonna pirouette your way outta this one?
P: Back away from the computer, Dad.
Q: What are you doing? Are you typing all this?
P: I’m trying to write my blog.
Q: Who’s “Q”? Who is that? Did your Mom tell you to write this?
P: Why don’t you go back home, Dad? Huh? I’m sure Mom has finished whatever it was she was working on. Head home.
Q: I can’t. The State took away my license, and I lost my bus schedule. And if I try and walk home I might get lost in an epic world of whimsy. Like in that movie. “Big Fish.”
P: There’s a bus stop on the corner. Just wait there. Okay?
Q: Is there a liquor store?
P: (sigh) Yeah. There’ s a liquor store down there too.
Q: I’m all outta booze money.
P: I’ve only got ten dollars. Maybe if you just stand next to the bottles and look really sad someone will buy one for you.
Q: You just wanna get rid of me.
P: Yes, I do! I’ve said that numerous times!
Q: You’re just waitin’ for the chance to smother me with a pillow and chop me up into little meaty bits. Like in that movie. “Simon Birch.”
P: That never happened in Simon Birch.
Q: Try watching it with your eyes open, you little baby.
P: Will you please go?
Q: Yeah, I’ll go. But I’m gonna kick the wall on my way out. Kick it like it’s YOUR FACE.
P: And there was nothing wrong with that card!
Q: Yeah, I’ll nothing-wrong your card!
And that’s what the world would be like if I were to run it. That, and every morning would start with Queen’s “Princes of the Universe.” Wherever you wake up, at whatever time, that song will just play. Some it will drive to suicide. But others it will drive to success. Plus, it’s the Highlander theme. So it’s kind of the greatest thing ever.