What I’m Looking For In A Woman


No, I’m not just looking for a woman who knows how to handle her calves.  WINK WINK.  I have very specific criteria that I believe all women should be held to and judged against.  And no, I’m not a picky man.  Just specific.  That being said:

The Ten Things I Look For In A Woman

  1. She should be smarter than me.  Smart enough to know that I shouldn’t do my own taxes.
  2. She should be better looking than me.  Better looking enough to know that I shouldn’t do my own taxes.
  3. She should have a sense of humor.  So we can joke around while she does my taxes.
  4. She should be the best at what she does.  A powerful executive or queen of the bohemians, something like that.  Not some bullshit Assistant V.P or some lowly bohemian middle manager.   It’s all or nothing with her, and she takes no prisoners.
  5. She should have a fetish for oddly shaped lamps.  Nothing too extreme, just something to make Birthday shopping easier.  
  6.  She should like the show “Slings and Arrows”.  Cause that’s a pretty good show.  
  7. She should have an irregularly shaped nose.  It should still be a nose , human in appearance, but it should just be slightly off.  Enough for a less-caring man to say, “Eww, no way.  Not with that nose.”  And then for me to say, “What a less-caring man!  I can’t believe he said that about your nose.”   
  8. She should like dogs.  Not small dogs that tremble in your hands like heroin addicts itching for a fix.  Big dogs.  Enormous dogs.  Dogs so big that should an emergency arise, you could ride that dog to safety.  
  9. She should be female.  At least in appearance. 
  10. She should be roughly as awkward as I am, give or take a few.  Meaning, she should be awkward enough to make an entire room of people unable to enjoy themselves by her mere presence, but not necessarily awkward enough to make said people cry. 

And that’s about it.  Other than that, she should have blond hair (no more than 8 inches in length), work at the Whole Foods on 6th Ave and 24th St, and hate phonies.

Anyone who fits these bullet points, please leave your name, address, phone number, and yearly income in the comments section.  Thank you.